The Pizza Prank (aka Let's make Dirk Strider go on a killing spree)
by 13 Hella S
Summary: Dave and John are sent outside by Dirk to get pizza since he's far too busy making puppet porn to get off his ass. On their way to a local Little Ceasers, John suggests one of the worst things to do to a Strider. "Hey Dave, wanna mess with Dirk's pizza?" One-shot, could be a two-shot if people like it.


So this is something a friend of mine and I thought we would go through by doing similar things with pizza. I encourage criticism (as long as it's not full-out hate), but keep in my mind this isn't meant to be taken to seriously. -w-

Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck, all rights go to Andrew Hussie.

Warnings: Eh... Dirk has been unleashed.

* * *

Dave Strider sat in his bedroom watching his best bro, John Egbert stare at his turntables in awe. Why? Young Strider was going to let him touch them, after he made sure John had some idea of what he was doing. Dave was trying to teach John how to throw down sick beats like him since he wanted to be 'cooler'. John stared at the turntables in determination, he reached out to grasp the discs before Dave lightly slapped away his hand.

"Egderp, are you absolutely _sure_ you have it down this time?" He asked for the sixteenth time. He trusted John, really he did, but he had to draw a line when it came to certain things -like apple juice and his precious turntables- knowing the prankster.

"Yes Dave, it's not like I'll break them just by putting my hands on them!" Said prankster hmmphed and crossed his arms.

"Okay, okay dude." The platinum blonde held up his hands, keeping an stoic expression on his face. "Just remember Egderp, if you break 'em, I will destroy you in a strife."

"Love you too, asshole." John said, he uncrossed his arms and reached out for the turntables again. As his hand was about to reach it's destination, his stomach growled. Loudly.

"Want some munchies?" Dave asked cooly, his friend blushed out of embarrassment and nodded. "As long as they're not doritos this time!"

"Alright, nacho flavored- triangle chips it is." The blonde left the room before John could complain, he walked to the living room. "Brooooooooooooo!"

"Whaaaaaaaat?" Dirk dragged on. He was on the floor working on making puppet porn and of course lil' Cal was there with him. Being his creepy self.

"John's hungry and I'm craving!"

"Since when were you a hormonal teenager?" The older Strider asked, he turned to acknowledge the younger Strider. _'Make this quick you shit. I need to make some my ships sail.'_

"I don't know. Since puberty hit." Dave replied, at least he wasn't a grown man making puppet porn. The older male stood up and held lil' Cal. "How does pizza sound to you?" Dave said he was cool with it.

"Okay, go downtown and get it then."

"What?" Dirk played with lil' Cal's arms and sighed.

"I know, I know the lil' man rather snog with Johnny-apple seed then flash-step to a Pizza Hut but I sure as hell don't feel like getting it. Yes, I know I could just order it but as you can see I'm busy filming."

"Bro... you're talking to a fucking puppet." Dave deadpanned, he received a glare behind Dirk's anime shades.

"Dave, just go get the pizza." He ordered in a monotone voice and looked back at the orange and green smuppets on the carpet. He grabbed his camera and pressed play.

Dave stared at him, seeing how that was the end of their conversation he flash-stepped to his room, scaring the poor Egderp. Before he could talk Dave went to his turntables.

As he checked them over to make sure no blue-clad demon did anything to them he started talking to himself- or the turntables. "Did he touch you? I don't see any smudgey handprints." He muttered, he grabbed his red sweater and threw it on. Fuck Washington's weather. Too cold. Why can't it be like Texas and be nice and cozy with barely any chance of snow? Not like there's snow outside, but that won't stop him from complaining about the lack of white flurries and the cold.

"We have to get pizza since Bro's too lazy to do it himself."

"Why can't he just order something?" John asked, he didn't feel like leaving the apartment just to get something they could order on the phone.

"He's busy making smuppet porn with GunBlade, his name not mine," Dave said.

John flopped on Dave's bed and hugged one of the pillows. "Then why don't you order it?"

"'Cause I don't want to. Now get up." The blonde then grabbed John's arm and dragged him off of the bed. He yelped in surprise.

"Okay you don't need to drag me!" John pulled his arm away and followed Dave out of the room. When he entered the hallway he saw Dave grab a sword out of the fridge-for protection and definitely not in case of a strife- he didn't wanna know. Just no. When they were about to leave, Dirk spoke up.

"Just remember to get two separate pizzas, lil' man? And you know what kind I want by now."

"I've lived with you long enough to know these things!" Dave replied and left the apartment, once again dragging John out with him.

"Dave I said stop dragging me!" John huffed. "Why does Bro need a second pizza anyways?"

"Not big on sharing the amazing cheesy-goodness in a totally un-ironic ironic way."

"..."

"Exactly."

**(This is where everything goes to shit -_-)**

They walked to the closest pizza place -a Little Ceasers down the road- and ordered two medium-sized pepperoni pizzas. The man at the cashier told them to wait a minute for him to get their sacred food. They sat down at one of the tables and waited impatiently -on John's part, Dave didn't really show that he cared- in silence.

John looked around in boredom as they waited for their so-called 'hot and ready' pizza when a thought came to mind. He grinned mischievously and looked at the cool kid beside him.

"Hey, Dave," he practically whispered."Wanna mess with Bro?"

Dave snapped his head in his direction. "You want to do what to who?"

"Come on! He made us get his pizza since he was to lazy to order -still pretty weird if you ask me- so I don't see why we can't mess with him and his pizza." John exclaimed.

"Dude. Bro will literally kill us if we do that. He loves his pizza, sometimes more then the fucking smuppets, if we do anything to get in the way of him and his pizza, we will die." Dave said, he still kept his stoic mask on but if one looked closely, he would still look emotionless. But on the inside he was thinking of all the irons that would be thrown in the fire. All the irons.

"Lighten up, Dave, he'll think it's funny! He's a cool guy, what's the worst he could do?" John smiled widely.

"Yeah right. Clearly we're talking about two different Bros."

Eventually they got their pizzas, they decided to eat the one they bought for themselves outside the building. John continued to pester and persuade Dave into messing with Dirk's pizza but he wouldn't give in.

Without realizing it, they ate every slice in the box, leaving nothing but a sad and lonely pepperoni at the bottom of the greasy box. They named him Lenard.

This was around the time Dave finally agreed to mess with his brother. Even though he knew that that pizza was going to be their last meal. They had to do this, if not for John's prankster's gambit, then for Lenard, the lonely and neglected pepperoni who was forced to watch his brethren get eaten by the titan-sized humans.

Well, they were titan sized compared to a pepperoni.

Now, John didn't think this all through, so they had to brainstorm on what they could do with the other pizza. Then, it came to him. He told Dave what he thought and they decided to go through with it.

Several minutes later, the teens were going back to Dave's apartment. As they were walking back, Dave decided to go over the 'safety procautions' with John one more time.

"When he has the box, we run. Don't give him anytime to process anything, just run."

"I know, Dave. We've been over this plenty of times!" John said, at first he found Dave's worrying/cool facade to be funny (and it still is), but he's acting like they'll be buried alive at this rate!

Dave nodded and slowly, like a fucking sloth, knocked on the apartment door. No answer. He knocked again. Still nothing.

"What the hell, I can hear the T.V so..." He muttered and rang the door bell a couple times, he started mashing it by the sixteenth ring.

"Pizza delivery!" He almost shouted over the ringing.

"My hands are busy, just open the door Dave!" Dirk yelled from the inside of the apartment. Did he not realize he had things to do? Like stop Sawtooth from rapping while he films.

"Yeah I'm sure his hands are busy." Dave membled quietly, John heard him anyway.

"Dave no. I highly doubt he's doing what you're thinking."

"Get your mind outta the gutter Egderp." He said. Aftr what felt like the hundreath ring he decided to use another tactic.

He turned to John and nodded, not knowing what to do he nodded back. Then, the Strider did something completely necessary. He kicked down the door.

"Pizza. Delivery!" Dave said calmly, ignoring John's laughter he put the boxes on the counter and grabbed a bottle of AJ from the fridge.

"'Bout time you came in." Dirk said, he got up from his spot on the floor and made his way to the counter, he paid no attention to he other Srider who was exiting the apartment.

Dave closed the door quitely and turned to John. "We're running to your house. Right now."

"But we haven 't even seen Dirk's reaction!" John whined.

On the inside of the apartment, Dirk was humming Ponponpon. He lifted the lid on one of the boxes and saw nothing. Assuming that was John and Dave's box he opened the other box.

"Okay this is fucking cruel." He said. Dirk stared at the lonely pepperoni at the bottom of the box. Next to it was a note in blue and red writing, there was also a crudely drawn picture of what looked like Dirk-titan.

'lenard (the pepperoni) received a grim reminder that evening, that pepperoni everywhere were no longer safe from the titans.'

'we only have have bro to blame (seriously get the pizza yourself, asshole)'

Dirk slowly crunched the paper in a little ball and threw it somewhere near Sawtooth. He didn't say anything as he grabbed his katana in silence and stepped out of the apartment. He left just in time to see Dave and John running down the stairs.

"..."

Twelve minutes later, somewhere in Washington~

"DAVE, JOHN GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR SCRAWNY ASSES!" Dirk yelled as he tore through the streets looking for the hiding teens.

"You weren't kidding when you said not to mess with him!" John panted. "He's way faster then you'd expect for an otaku!"

"He does a lot of parkour. And it's _you're_ fault this happened dude." Dave said, they were hiding in an alleyway behind some garbage cans. They stayed quiet for what felt like hours when in reality it was only eight minutes.

John looked around. "I think he's go-"

"THERE YOU FUCKERS ARE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE LENARD ALONE TO FEND FOR HIMSELF AGAINST THE TITANS!" Dirk appeared in front of them, welding his katana above his head.

"Holy shit!" And so they ran off into the night leaving poor Lenard to shrivel up and die in the cold box.

"AND IT WASN'T EVEN FROM PIZZA HUT YOU ASSHOLES!"

But there's one question that's been left unanswered. What happened to the other Pizza?

Meanwhile in the apartment above Dave and Dirk's~

Sollux stared at the Little Ceasers pizza box. What the hell was he supposed to do with this?

"AA! We have dinner, thankth to Thtrider and Egbert!" Sollux called, Aradia walked out of her room.

"Pizza?"

"Apparently John thentenced them to death tho they left it here."

This is why we don't ever listen to Egberts and their idea for a prank.

"Oh."


End file.
